How to Heal Old Wounds in Your Marriage

Get a glass of water. Really! Don’t just read on; first get a glass of water.

Got it?

Okay. Now, hold the glass of water in your hand and pick it up.

Are you holding it up?

Now let me ask you this: How heavy is the glass of water?

What do you think it weighs? 1 pound? 2 pounds? Less than a pound?

Keep holding the glass up. Don’t put it down yet.

What do you think it weighs?

As you continue to hold the glass of water, you’ll notice that its real weight doesn’t matter as much as how long you hold it. The longer you hold the glass of water, the heavier it feels, right?

If you hold the glass of water for a minute, it’s not a problem. It’s not heavy.

But if you hold the glass of water for an hour, your arm might start to ache. Eventually the glass of water will feel like a ton of bricks.

The weight of the glass of water is always the same. But the longer you hold it up, the heavier it gets.

That’s the way it works in your marriage too. Things are bound to happen between you and your spouse that will weigh heavy on you and your spouse’s heart. But the longer you “hold them in,” the heavier the burdens gets.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ll discover in private sessions that the source of someone’s anger or bitterness is something that happened 15 YEARS AGO!

“Did you ever discuss what happened with your spouse,” I’ll ask.


In an effort to make sure I understand I’ll ask, “You never talked it through? You never processed with your spouse at all?”


Rhetorically I’ll ask, “This has been building up inside you for 15 YEARS and you never said anything?!”

“That’s right,” is the response.

Do you hear that? It happened 15 YEARS AGO! And it still plagues them TODAY. In fact, as I illustrated above, the burden gets worse not better.

But do you know what always amazes me? The burden gets worse for the person who’s holding it in. But their spouse forgot about the incident 15 years ago. They’re clueless that the pain even exists. They would be SHOCKED to learn that their spouse still remembers what happened no less that it pains them and remains in their heart.

Do you know what’s bothering your spouse? Do you know the root of their frustration? Do you know what they just can’t let go of? And most importantly, do you know how to draw it out and how to help them finally heal? This is one of the many topics I’ll cover in the upcoming Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp.

Most people have something that continues to bother them, something that happened years ago that they never let go of, something that they never “moved through” with their spouse. And there it sits; getting heavier and heavier as the years go by. Until finally it comes out as, “I’m not happy” or “I want a divorce” or “I don’t love you anymore.”

Old wounds that don’t get treated aren’t really old; they remain fresh. They’re still open sores that eat away at your marriage from the inside without you even knowing it. How do you stop the bleeding? How do you finally let bygones be bygones and move on in your relationship in a healthy productive way?

That’s one of the things I’ll work with you on in the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp. Maybe you’d like to join me.

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