Most people don’t anticipate second marriage problems. Those of us who are on their second marriage typically assume we were able to iron out all of our issues before moving onto a second marriage. Our first marriage was hell, so our second marriage should be heaven.
My name is Pauline, and for my husband, Alan, and I, this was not the case. I suspect there are a lot of couples out there like us who brought the same problems from their first marriage over to their second.
If you want to know how we were able to overcome our second marriage problems keep reading.
I’d like to start this entry off by sharing a statistic. According to divorcerate.org, 67% of second marriages fail. That rate is 17% higher than first marriages. This means that most people do not use the opportunity to right all the wrongs of a first marriage in their second marriage.
When we began dating we would bond over the fact that our exes were terrible communicators, difficult to deal with, and generally disagreeable people. We took pride in how well we communicated with each other and thought we made a powerful couple.
Less than a year later we were married. A year after that we were on the verge of separating.
What happened in that year that we were married that had us so close to a divorce?
The problems from our first marriage popped up again as second marriage problems. My husband and I fought constantly. We were both yellers. Suddenly our marriage began to look like the marriages we had escaped just a few years ago.
Of course he blamed me, and I blamed him. Between the two of us, no one would take any responsibility.
We would have fights that lasted for hours about little things that could and should’ve been resolved in only a few minutes.
One day after an especially long argument, I brought something up that I had always been afraid to say.
“What if our exes weren’t the reason our first marriages failed. What if it was us?”
Shockingly, my husband said that he had started to think the same thing. We both knew we needed help, but the question was, from where? We had already been to marriage counselors in our previous relationships and they clearly hadn’t helped. Self help books? Neither of us were really readers. We didn’t know where to turn.
So we did what everyone does these days—we looked on the Internet.
We were fairly skeptical when we found an online alternative to marriage counseling, but we needed help or our marriage just wouldn’t last.
The online marriage counseling alternative provided us with exercises and activities aimed at opening the lines of communication in our marriage. We began to talk, not argue, for the first time in a while.
Unfortunately, we realized that our suspicions were right. The marriage communication problems that led to our first divorces were likely our fault. Neither of us really knew how to talk about important issues like the future, feelings, and important opinions.
Fortunately, we now knew what we had to do to fix our marriage and we well on our way to learning to be better communicators.
We still participate in the exercises suggested by the online program at least twice a week. Even though our marriage is better, we’ve come to learn that we need to put in constant effort to keep it that way.
If I had to give one piece of advice for second marriages, it would be this: “Look hard within yourself to see what caused your first marriage to fail, before laying blame.”
The online marriage counseling alternative helped me to realize this, and saved my second marriage.
If you’re having second marriage problems, I recommend filling out the form below. You’ll receive some great tips directly to your inbox and get started on the way to addressing the real problems holding back your marriage.
It worked for us, and I can confidently say that our marriage will not be part of that 67%. I bet it will work for you also.
I am not sure I could have done it without you. I would have given up and believed that because he was with someone else we were done. Thank you. We are forever indebted.